three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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