Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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