I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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