I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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