Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
PANTIES FOUND
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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