i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
