I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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