Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize