She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
