I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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