just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize