Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
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