My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
