My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
