You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
