She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
