sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
