Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I need water and some morals
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
