I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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