oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
