the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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