if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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