Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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