My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
