Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
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