never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Randomize