Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I just threw up on my dentist
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
