Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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