Cold hands, warm shart.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
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