I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
