I feel like abortions should bother me more
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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