her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize