im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize