I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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