Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
