So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
