Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
