So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
