yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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