Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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