does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize