If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
