Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
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