I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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