Your face is a jimmy john
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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