The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
