how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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