I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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