I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
