why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
