If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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