I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
