seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
