I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
