you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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