at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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