i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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