I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
