I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
