There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
