I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
