All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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