I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
