You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
